Day 7

I know I skipped a few days.  This really is HARD.  I am struggling today food wise.  My binge free streak has to start over.  Ugh.  I really need to start just loving myself no matter what weight I'm at.  I need to learn to be comfortable in my skin regardless of my size.

Chapter 1 Day 7

Psalm 34:5 "Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed. "

In the message bible this verse reads: "Look at him, give him your warmest smile. Never hide your feelings from him." I read this in the ERV and it says "If you look to him for help, he will put a smile on your face.  You will have no need to be ashamed."

This verse speaks volumes to me.   If I look up and see myself as God sees me I will shine with God's goodness.  By beauty will be radiant! I won't have to live with self doubt or low self-esteem because I know who I am in Christ.  But why is it so hard to see myself how He sees me? Why is it so hard to see how worthy I am? Instead of focusing on my best traits I wallow in my flaws.

1. I like that I follow my heart
2. I like that I don't let others influence me 
3. I like that I have values that I stand behind
4. I like that I don't give up easily
5. I like that I take chances
6. I like that I am different and don't conform to this world
7. I like that I'm not afraid to talk about God
8. I like that I am forgiving
9. I like that I am a good role model
10. I like that I am a good Mom

Day 4

1 Samuel 16:7 "But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him.  For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart."

1. I like that I am sensative
2. I like that I can say no
3. I like that I can take a good picture
4. I like my handwritting
5. I like my freckles 
6. This is harder than I thought it would be....

How can I possible come up with 300 things I like about myself?  

Lord guide me.

Day 3 Proverbs 31 Project

God is good yes?  

Chapter 1 
Day 3
1 Peter 3:3-4 "It is not fancy hair, gold jewelry, or fine clothes that should make you beautiful. No, your beauty should come from inside you—the beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit. That beauty will never disappear. It is worth very much to God. "

God doesn't care what we wear or how we do our hair or even if we have on makeup today.  What he cares about is what we have on the inside.  How we carry our selves on a daily basis. Are we kind and gentle or are we mean and rude? I do my best to be kind but sometimes I flub up because I let my flesh get the best of me but thanks to God's grace I can be forgiven.  I need to remind myself when I look in the mirror that God loves every piece of me because after all, he created me.

Today's top 10:

1. I like that I am a thrifty shopper for the most part
2. I like that I have an imagination
3. I like that I am crafty (when the mood strikes)
4. I like that I don't always have to have a plan and I can just go with the flow
5. I like that I can find contentment with just a book
6. I like that I put others first
7. I like that I can be a motivator to others
8. I like that I am aging gracefully
9. I like that I like making others smile
10. I like that I am making myself do this project as hard as it is

Figuring it all out

Well I went back to weight watchers meetings today. I haven;t gained all the weight back but 12 lbs is enough. Ugh.   It is what it is and I can't dwell on it as I can't change what happened, I can only change right now.  

I am two days binge free.  #praisegod

Chapter 1 Day 2-

Solomon 4:7 - "You are altogether beautiful my love, there is no flaw in you."

Why do I struggle with seeing myself the way God sees me?  Why do I struggle with the reflection in the mirror? Maybe all the years of trying to please others?  Being what everyone expected? Was it things old boy friends said/did? Was it things my parents said? Maybe its because I don't have enough faith or knowledge in God to realize his words really are the truth that will set me free. That last one came to me an hour after I started writing this entry.  Maybe this is where I will come to hear God. 

I did not grow up in a faith-filed home.  God or church was never discussed in my home.  It wasn't until after I graduated High School and entered my early 20's did I wander to him.  My father and I went to a Methodist church together and at 22 I was "baptized".   I don't know when I stopped going to church, a lot happened in my 20's.  It was my late 20's that I started attending a non-denominational church, which I absolutely loved.  It wasn't until I met Dave and attended his non-denominational church did I realize what being "saved" and "born-again" was.   January 2009 I officially gave my life to Jesus and February 14, 2009 I had my water baptism.    So in reality I not a seasoned Christian.  Sometimes I don't know what I am doing.  My faith drifts so much. And its now I realize that I need to sit down and spend quality time with God if I want things to change.  

Thank you Lord for that realization.  

So on to my 10 things I love about myself:

1. I love that no matter what I don't give up
2. I love that I'm always looking for ways to help others
3. I love my heart
4. I love that I DO have an hourglass shape
5. I love that I AM a good mom
6. I love that I am gentle
7. I love that I am smart
8. I love that I can fix things that are broke
9. I love that I can ask for help
10. I love that I can read directions

This is only day two and this really is a struggle, although today moved faster than yesterday.  I hope that I can come up with things as the days progress.

So until then....

Proverbs 31 Project

I had a counseling session with my Pastor last night.  I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve so when I am struggling the weight of the world can be seen by the way I carry myself and speak.  We talked about my marriage, my finances and just life in general.  I have come to realize what it is I really need and what I need to do about it.  

I need to work on me.  

I need to work on my marriage, which is a two way street.

I need to work on trusting God as difficult as it is.  Especially with our finances.  This here is a great struggle for me. 

I need to work on me some more.

I need a space where I can sit down without interruption and spend with the Lord.  I need to set aside time every day to just sit in his presence.  To talk with him and seek him above all else.  Even if it means learning to get up earlier.  Even if its 15 minutes to start.  I need to start my day right. 

I came across something today while looking for bible studies that Dave and I can do together.  It was that moment I realized I need to work on me very much so. Its called Proverbs 31 Project by Melissa Calloway.  Its a 12 month project designed to help women grow emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.  She breaks down Proverbs 31:10-31 into 12 parts.  Each part giving us a challenge.   I read the first chapter on a preview and realized I need this now.

I think this blog will be the perfect way to document my progress.  A way to stay accountable. 

Chapter 1 (30 days)

Proverbs 31:10-12

"Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies.  Her husband can trust her and she will greatly enrich his life.  She brings him good, not harm, all he days of his life"

The first part tells me how I need to see myself.  I am good, pure and intelligent and worth so much more than I could ever imagine.  Why? Because this is how GOD designed me.  I am worth more than I allow myself to think. 

There are two challenges here over the course of the next 30 day.  One of them is that every day for the next month I have to write 10 things I like about myself.  Every day, 10 different things.   This is very hard for me.  Its hard for me to say I like this about myself. Hence the reason I realized I need this project book.   The second challenge I will keep to myself.  It has to do with your other half over the next month and I don't want him knowing what that is. Because its really for me not him.

So, Day 1.

1. I like the color of my eyes
2. I like the natural highlights in my hair
3. I like that I have a willingness to learn new things
4. I like that I have an education behind me
5. I like that others consider me a good girl
6. I like that I am loved by so many
7. I like that others can come to me knowing I will be there
8. I like that I am always on time
9. I like that I am reliable
10. I like that I can cook (for the most part lol)

I won't lie this is only Day 1 and that task wasn't easy.  Over the next month I will have to come up with 300 different things I like about myself. 300!!

Scripture of the day was Psalm 139:14 - I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Fitting since I wear a bracelet everyday with that quote.

I have been back on track with eating properly since yesterday.  New month, new me.  

Here's to a brighter tomorrow!

Anxiety

Im feeling a little better than I was yesterday.  I am trying to be optomistic and positive but its hard when we try so hard to get a head and we don't.  We go to Church... we thithe....although sometimes I'm not the greatest at it but I try.  I try to be a blessing to others.   Yet we struggle. These are the issues that make me doubt.  God sees our struggle.  God sees that Dave pays out all this child support and that even with my good salary still combined our total take home is only minium wage. Everything is going up.  Noah's insurance increased this month.  Im going to have to have dental work done (more on that to follow).  We hate living in this apartment but we can't save money because there is always something that needs to be done.  Everytime I had a decent amount saved the car broke down or we had to get a new van.  And although it was a blessing that we were able to take care of these things.... I went from no car payments to a $300 car payment.  Its stressfull.  I try not to worry but I do.  I don't want Noah to have to go without. Plus this is his first year of school and I want him to enjoy it so that he will continue to like school so I want him to be involved in things as much as possible.   I do take advantage of free outtings but not everything is free.

Wait on the Lord it says.  Well we are waiting.  Its all we do is wait.  God we need you and it feels like you just pass over us.   We are waiting for you to make a mighty move.  Your word says wait and here we are waiting...

I will be the first to admit that the dentist gives me anxiety.  So much so that it brings me to tears. Before working for Carrols I didn't have dental insurance.. which means I haven't seen the dentist since my senior year of High school... or over 16 years ago.   I have had dental insurance for a year now and I finally got the courage to make an appointment since I am having issues with my wisdom teeth.    

The initial appointment was just xrays and a consultation.  I still had tears in the chair.  It is sad when my 5 year old does better than his mother at the dentist.  He is far braver than I am or ever was.  I had the same anxiety even as a kid.

Anyways... all my wisdom teeth need to come out.  

People's comments are making me more anxious and doubt.  I went to Aspen dental.  Some people love it while others had horrible experiences.  The dentist was nice and said even though all this time has passed its not as bad as I made it in my mind.  They did say I have gum disease but I went in there knowing that there was a chance I had it. Should it be treated yes?  Can I afford it? Probably not.  I am waiting for them to call me to tell me what the cost will be.   Right now I'm more concerned about getting my wisdom teeth out (one's infected and I'm now on antibiotics) and the cavities filled.   I can worry about the rest later.  

Well until next time... 

I'm still here waiting on the Lord to make a mighty move in my life.

The beaten path

I still here and I am still so off track.  Part of me just doesn't care and a part of me is screaming to the other half of me "Get Back Up Kristina."  The devil has a hold on me and I feel like I am in quick sand.  Hes keeping me down and hes keeping me tired so that I have no energy to fight back.  I feel like I am slowly fading away and losing a piece of myself.  I wonder if this is what Moses felt like when he circled the desert for 40 years.  Man this is awful.

How am I supposed to help others when I can't even help myself right now. 

I need to start a new routine.  Force myself out of bed in the morning. Exercise and log my food, before a gain another 10 lbs.   I still pay a weight watchers fee.  I should just attend meetings again at work if for nothing else but the accountability.  

I have a lot of days lately where I just feel alone even with all these friends that surround me.   Some of them would never truly understand what I'm going through spiritually.   I don't even know if my husband would.  

This strong hold needs to go. These chains need to break. I need a mighty move of God right now. But I can't seem to open my mouth because I'm not sure he hears me anymore.  I try, but not hard enough.  

My life right now is like Moses'.  I don't wanna walk in this circle for 40 more years.  Lord help me.