Anxiety

Im feeling a little better than I was yesterday.  I am trying to be optomistic and positive but its hard when we try so hard to get a head and we don't.  We go to Church... we thithe....although sometimes I'm not the greatest at it but I try.  I try to be a blessing to others.   Yet we struggle. These are the issues that make me doubt.  God sees our struggle.  God sees that Dave pays out all this child support and that even with my good salary still combined our total take home is only minium wage. Everything is going up.  Noah's insurance increased this month.  Im going to have to have dental work done (more on that to follow).  We hate living in this apartment but we can't save money because there is always something that needs to be done.  Everytime I had a decent amount saved the car broke down or we had to get a new van.  And although it was a blessing that we were able to take care of these things.... I went from no car payments to a $300 car payment.  Its stressfull.  I try not to worry but I do.  I don't want Noah to have to go without. Plus this is his first year of school and I want him to enjoy it so that he will continue to like school so I want him to be involved in things as much as possible.   I do take advantage of free outtings but not everything is free.

Wait on the Lord it says.  Well we are waiting.  Its all we do is wait.  God we need you and it feels like you just pass over us.   We are waiting for you to make a mighty move.  Your word says wait and here we are waiting...

I will be the first to admit that the dentist gives me anxiety.  So much so that it brings me to tears. Before working for Carrols I didn't have dental insurance.. which means I haven't seen the dentist since my senior year of High school... or over 16 years ago.   I have had dental insurance for a year now and I finally got the courage to make an appointment since I am having issues with my wisdom teeth.    

The initial appointment was just xrays and a consultation.  I still had tears in the chair.  It is sad when my 5 year old does better than his mother at the dentist.  He is far braver than I am or ever was.  I had the same anxiety even as a kid.

Anyways... all my wisdom teeth need to come out.  

People's comments are making me more anxious and doubt.  I went to Aspen dental.  Some people love it while others had horrible experiences.  The dentist was nice and said even though all this time has passed its not as bad as I made it in my mind.  They did say I have gum disease but I went in there knowing that there was a chance I had it. Should it be treated yes?  Can I afford it? Probably not.  I am waiting for them to call me to tell me what the cost will be.   Right now I'm more concerned about getting my wisdom teeth out (one's infected and I'm now on antibiotics) and the cavities filled.   I can worry about the rest later.  

Well until next time... 

I'm still here waiting on the Lord to make a mighty move in my life.

The beaten path

I still here and I am still so off track.  Part of me just doesn't care and a part of me is screaming to the other half of me "Get Back Up Kristina."  The devil has a hold on me and I feel like I am in quick sand.  Hes keeping me down and hes keeping me tired so that I have no energy to fight back.  I feel like I am slowly fading away and losing a piece of myself.  I wonder if this is what Moses felt like when he circled the desert for 40 years.  Man this is awful.

How am I supposed to help others when I can't even help myself right now. 

I need to start a new routine.  Force myself out of bed in the morning. Exercise and log my food, before a gain another 10 lbs.   I still pay a weight watchers fee.  I should just attend meetings again at work if for nothing else but the accountability.  

I have a lot of days lately where I just feel alone even with all these friends that surround me.   Some of them would never truly understand what I'm going through spiritually.   I don't even know if my husband would.  

This strong hold needs to go. These chains need to break. I need a mighty move of God right now. But I can't seem to open my mouth because I'm not sure he hears me anymore.  I try, but not hard enough.  

My life right now is like Moses'.  I don't wanna walk in this circle for 40 more years.  Lord help me.

Failing

I feel like a failure.  I can't stay on track for the life of me and I am just eating my emotions away instead of doing what I know I need to do. 

How do I pull myself out of this pit? How do I get out of what I feel like is quick sand? If I don't stand up soon I'm going to loose all control. 

Lord help me! Hear my cries father.  I need the strength of the Lord to get through this.  Sometimes I feel like my world is in a constant tail spin and its making me sick.  The enemy is keeping me so tired and so distant.  I hate this feeling.  I need peace Lord.  I need your peace to fall on me.  Do you hear me? I am to the point I don't think you do.  Help me Lord, please/

I am getting ready to pull the plug on Beachbody Coaching.  I think it was too much pressure.  I'm to reserved and quiet to put myself out there... as much as I want to help others.  I don't have the time to invest in it and its costing me more money than I make at it. 

I hate feeling stuck like this.