Day 7

I know I skipped a few days.  This really is HARD.  I am struggling today food wise.  My binge free streak has to start over.  Ugh.  I really need to start just loving myself no matter what weight I'm at.  I need to learn to be comfortable in my skin regardless of my size.

Chapter 1 Day 7

Psalm 34:5 "Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed. "

In the message bible this verse reads: "Look at him, give him your warmest smile. Never hide your feelings from him." I read this in the ERV and it says "If you look to him for help, he will put a smile on your face.  You will have no need to be ashamed."

This verse speaks volumes to me.   If I look up and see myself as God sees me I will shine with God's goodness.  By beauty will be radiant! I won't have to live with self doubt or low self-esteem because I know who I am in Christ.  But why is it so hard to see myself how He sees me? Why is it so hard to see how worthy I am? Instead of focusing on my best traits I wallow in my flaws.

1. I like that I follow my heart
2. I like that I don't let others influence me 
3. I like that I have values that I stand behind
4. I like that I don't give up easily
5. I like that I take chances
6. I like that I am different and don't conform to this world
7. I like that I'm not afraid to talk about God
8. I like that I am forgiving
9. I like that I am a good role model
10. I like that I am a good Mom

Day 4

1 Samuel 16:7 "But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him.  For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart."

1. I like that I am sensative
2. I like that I can say no
3. I like that I can take a good picture
4. I like my handwritting
5. I like my freckles 
6. This is harder than I thought it would be....

How can I possible come up with 300 things I like about myself?  

Lord guide me.

Day 3 Proverbs 31 Project

God is good yes?  

Chapter 1 
Day 3
1 Peter 3:3-4 "It is not fancy hair, gold jewelry, or fine clothes that should make you beautiful. No, your beauty should come from inside you—the beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit. That beauty will never disappear. It is worth very much to God. "

God doesn't care what we wear or how we do our hair or even if we have on makeup today.  What he cares about is what we have on the inside.  How we carry our selves on a daily basis. Are we kind and gentle or are we mean and rude? I do my best to be kind but sometimes I flub up because I let my flesh get the best of me but thanks to God's grace I can be forgiven.  I need to remind myself when I look in the mirror that God loves every piece of me because after all, he created me.

Today's top 10:

1. I like that I am a thrifty shopper for the most part
2. I like that I have an imagination
3. I like that I am crafty (when the mood strikes)
4. I like that I don't always have to have a plan and I can just go with the flow
5. I like that I can find contentment with just a book
6. I like that I put others first
7. I like that I can be a motivator to others
8. I like that I am aging gracefully
9. I like that I like making others smile
10. I like that I am making myself do this project as hard as it is

Figuring it all out

Well I went back to weight watchers meetings today. I haven;t gained all the weight back but 12 lbs is enough. Ugh.   It is what it is and I can't dwell on it as I can't change what happened, I can only change right now.  

I am two days binge free.  #praisegod

Chapter 1 Day 2-

Solomon 4:7 - "You are altogether beautiful my love, there is no flaw in you."

Why do I struggle with seeing myself the way God sees me?  Why do I struggle with the reflection in the mirror? Maybe all the years of trying to please others?  Being what everyone expected? Was it things old boy friends said/did? Was it things my parents said? Maybe its because I don't have enough faith or knowledge in God to realize his words really are the truth that will set me free. That last one came to me an hour after I started writing this entry.  Maybe this is where I will come to hear God. 

I did not grow up in a faith-filed home.  God or church was never discussed in my home.  It wasn't until after I graduated High School and entered my early 20's did I wander to him.  My father and I went to a Methodist church together and at 22 I was "baptized".   I don't know when I stopped going to church, a lot happened in my 20's.  It was my late 20's that I started attending a non-denominational church, which I absolutely loved.  It wasn't until I met Dave and attended his non-denominational church did I realize what being "saved" and "born-again" was.   January 2009 I officially gave my life to Jesus and February 14, 2009 I had my water baptism.    So in reality I not a seasoned Christian.  Sometimes I don't know what I am doing.  My faith drifts so much. And its now I realize that I need to sit down and spend quality time with God if I want things to change.  

Thank you Lord for that realization.  

So on to my 10 things I love about myself:

1. I love that no matter what I don't give up
2. I love that I'm always looking for ways to help others
3. I love my heart
4. I love that I DO have an hourglass shape
5. I love that I AM a good mom
6. I love that I am gentle
7. I love that I am smart
8. I love that I can fix things that are broke
9. I love that I can ask for help
10. I love that I can read directions

This is only day two and this really is a struggle, although today moved faster than yesterday.  I hope that I can come up with things as the days progress.

So until then....

Proverbs 31 Project

I had a counseling session with my Pastor last night.  I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve so when I am struggling the weight of the world can be seen by the way I carry myself and speak.  We talked about my marriage, my finances and just life in general.  I have come to realize what it is I really need and what I need to do about it.  

I need to work on me.  

I need to work on my marriage, which is a two way street.

I need to work on trusting God as difficult as it is.  Especially with our finances.  This here is a great struggle for me. 

I need to work on me some more.

I need a space where I can sit down without interruption and spend with the Lord.  I need to set aside time every day to just sit in his presence.  To talk with him and seek him above all else.  Even if it means learning to get up earlier.  Even if its 15 minutes to start.  I need to start my day right. 

I came across something today while looking for bible studies that Dave and I can do together.  It was that moment I realized I need to work on me very much so. Its called Proverbs 31 Project by Melissa Calloway.  Its a 12 month project designed to help women grow emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.  She breaks down Proverbs 31:10-31 into 12 parts.  Each part giving us a challenge.   I read the first chapter on a preview and realized I need this now.

I think this blog will be the perfect way to document my progress.  A way to stay accountable. 

Chapter 1 (30 days)

Proverbs 31:10-12

"Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies.  Her husband can trust her and she will greatly enrich his life.  She brings him good, not harm, all he days of his life"

The first part tells me how I need to see myself.  I am good, pure and intelligent and worth so much more than I could ever imagine.  Why? Because this is how GOD designed me.  I am worth more than I allow myself to think. 

There are two challenges here over the course of the next 30 day.  One of them is that every day for the next month I have to write 10 things I like about myself.  Every day, 10 different things.   This is very hard for me.  Its hard for me to say I like this about myself. Hence the reason I realized I need this project book.   The second challenge I will keep to myself.  It has to do with your other half over the next month and I don't want him knowing what that is. Because its really for me not him.

So, Day 1.

1. I like the color of my eyes
2. I like the natural highlights in my hair
3. I like that I have a willingness to learn new things
4. I like that I have an education behind me
5. I like that others consider me a good girl
6. I like that I am loved by so many
7. I like that others can come to me knowing I will be there
8. I like that I am always on time
9. I like that I am reliable
10. I like that I can cook (for the most part lol)

I won't lie this is only Day 1 and that task wasn't easy.  Over the next month I will have to come up with 300 different things I like about myself. 300!!

Scripture of the day was Psalm 139:14 - I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Fitting since I wear a bracelet everyday with that quote.

I have been back on track with eating properly since yesterday.  New month, new me.  

Here's to a brighter tomorrow!

Anxiety

Im feeling a little better than I was yesterday.  I am trying to be optomistic and positive but its hard when we try so hard to get a head and we don't.  We go to Church... we thithe....although sometimes I'm not the greatest at it but I try.  I try to be a blessing to others.   Yet we struggle. These are the issues that make me doubt.  God sees our struggle.  God sees that Dave pays out all this child support and that even with my good salary still combined our total take home is only minium wage. Everything is going up.  Noah's insurance increased this month.  Im going to have to have dental work done (more on that to follow).  We hate living in this apartment but we can't save money because there is always something that needs to be done.  Everytime I had a decent amount saved the car broke down or we had to get a new van.  And although it was a blessing that we were able to take care of these things.... I went from no car payments to a $300 car payment.  Its stressfull.  I try not to worry but I do.  I don't want Noah to have to go without. Plus this is his first year of school and I want him to enjoy it so that he will continue to like school so I want him to be involved in things as much as possible.   I do take advantage of free outtings but not everything is free.

Wait on the Lord it says.  Well we are waiting.  Its all we do is wait.  God we need you and it feels like you just pass over us.   We are waiting for you to make a mighty move.  Your word says wait and here we are waiting...

I will be the first to admit that the dentist gives me anxiety.  So much so that it brings me to tears. Before working for Carrols I didn't have dental insurance.. which means I haven't seen the dentist since my senior year of High school... or over 16 years ago.   I have had dental insurance for a year now and I finally got the courage to make an appointment since I am having issues with my wisdom teeth.    

The initial appointment was just xrays and a consultation.  I still had tears in the chair.  It is sad when my 5 year old does better than his mother at the dentist.  He is far braver than I am or ever was.  I had the same anxiety even as a kid.

Anyways... all my wisdom teeth need to come out.  

People's comments are making me more anxious and doubt.  I went to Aspen dental.  Some people love it while others had horrible experiences.  The dentist was nice and said even though all this time has passed its not as bad as I made it in my mind.  They did say I have gum disease but I went in there knowing that there was a chance I had it. Should it be treated yes?  Can I afford it? Probably not.  I am waiting for them to call me to tell me what the cost will be.   Right now I'm more concerned about getting my wisdom teeth out (one's infected and I'm now on antibiotics) and the cavities filled.   I can worry about the rest later.  

Well until next time... 

I'm still here waiting on the Lord to make a mighty move in my life.

The beaten path

I still here and I am still so off track.  Part of me just doesn't care and a part of me is screaming to the other half of me "Get Back Up Kristina."  The devil has a hold on me and I feel like I am in quick sand.  Hes keeping me down and hes keeping me tired so that I have no energy to fight back.  I feel like I am slowly fading away and losing a piece of myself.  I wonder if this is what Moses felt like when he circled the desert for 40 years.  Man this is awful.

How am I supposed to help others when I can't even help myself right now. 

I need to start a new routine.  Force myself out of bed in the morning. Exercise and log my food, before a gain another 10 lbs.   I still pay a weight watchers fee.  I should just attend meetings again at work if for nothing else but the accountability.  

I have a lot of days lately where I just feel alone even with all these friends that surround me.   Some of them would never truly understand what I'm going through spiritually.   I don't even know if my husband would.  

This strong hold needs to go. These chains need to break. I need a mighty move of God right now. But I can't seem to open my mouth because I'm not sure he hears me anymore.  I try, but not hard enough.  

My life right now is like Moses'.  I don't wanna walk in this circle for 40 more years.  Lord help me.

Failing

I feel like a failure.  I can't stay on track for the life of me and I am just eating my emotions away instead of doing what I know I need to do. 

How do I pull myself out of this pit? How do I get out of what I feel like is quick sand? If I don't stand up soon I'm going to loose all control. 

Lord help me! Hear my cries father.  I need the strength of the Lord to get through this.  Sometimes I feel like my world is in a constant tail spin and its making me sick.  The enemy is keeping me so tired and so distant.  I hate this feeling.  I need peace Lord.  I need your peace to fall on me.  Do you hear me? I am to the point I don't think you do.  Help me Lord, please/

I am getting ready to pull the plug on Beachbody Coaching.  I think it was too much pressure.  I'm to reserved and quiet to put myself out there... as much as I want to help others.  I don't have the time to invest in it and its costing me more money than I make at it. 

I hate feeling stuck like this.  

Keeping track

I am debating on whether or not to keep track of binge free days.  Maybe it will help me stay on track.  Katie over at RunsforCookies  does and it seems to help her.  Im willing to do anything at this point.

I'm feeling pretty good today, aside from the fact of how old I feel.  You see when I was pregnant with my son I started to develop a bunion on my right foot. At the time I thought I merely broke my toe... but here we are 6 years later and not only does it hurt but its a constant pain and is getting in the way of wearing shoes comfortably.  So today I ordered a special support thingy for it.  If I don't get any kind of relief there my only other option is to see a doctor and/or podiatrist.  I don't even wear high heeled shoes.  My flats even make my feet hurt.

Anywho.   I hopped on the treadmill last night.  I did quarter mile walk run intervals for about 32 minutes.   I don't ache today so I think doing it that way will work for a while.  Tonight I plan on doing some PIYO.  I'm very much looking forward to it.  

My main goal is to just feel better emotionally and physically.    

-Kristina

Into words

I wish I could put into words just exactly how I feel or what I am going through emotionally.  I keep telling myself to wake up and get out of this cycle. This battle that I am enduring I can't get up from. I feel like every time I turn around I'm getting pushed back down.  I hate how I feel in my clothes and I was working so hard to fix it and it seemed that it wasn't working.  I am so tired of struggling.  So tired of going in circles.  Losing and gaining the same 7 lbs..over and over again.  I'm so exhausted. 

I miss running.  I miss the way running made me feel.  I would give anything to have that back.  I could go back but I can't run long distance anymore, not with my hips.  I have to be extra careful as it is. Even though one tear has been repaired, the other has not.  The last run a couple weeks ago I over did it and hurt for the rest of the week.  I need to be smarter about it and follow a beginners plan and use the run/walk method.  It won't make me less of a runner by doing this.  

I could go back to running and PIYO,  PIYO will keep my joints and muscles strong and stretched.

Maybe that's the plan I need to take. 

Every time I put a plan on paper and I get off track I feel like a total failure.  I feel like Moses in the desert.  Lord help me! 

Dust yourself off!

I vowed for change this morning.  I pray that the Lord gives me the strength to endure these hurdles. It seems like I have more than usual lately.  My emotions are all over the place and negative thoughts consume me.  

Time to dust off and pick up where I left off.  This past week has been awful.

These are the things I need to change:

1. My quite time with God;
2. Scripture memorization;
3. The attitude towards food and weight loss;
4. Teaching Noah about God and the bible;
5. Del-cutter every room in the apartment.

I pray for the Lord to pull me out of this deep dark pit I seem to be in.  I declare and decree that I don't have the spirit of fear and worry but that I have the spirit of peace and joy!  The enemy has no place in my mind.  

There is so much that I need to accomplish it sometimes is overwhelming.  I don't even know where to start.  I don't have enough hours in the day.   Lord help me to accomplish every task I need.   

Please Father shift some things in our lives.  Your word says that we are blessed when we come in and blessed when we go out, that we are above and not beneath, that we are the head and not the tail, that we are lenders and not borrowers!   I decree and declare that all these will come to pass sooner rather than later, in Jesus Name. 

~ Kristina

Why is it so hard for me?

This is another question I constantly ponder.  There are so many active people out there who look like they have it all together.  They are fit, they are active, they lose weight and maintain their loss.  But why is it so hard for me to do the same?  I have been to goal weight time and time again and when I get there I get lax and that's when the weight returns little by little.  I have come to the conclusion that we just can't become lazy.  We gain weight by eating too much and not moving enough.  We eat the wrong things and too much of it.  Even if you are eating the right things you can still be eating to much of it and gain weight!  This is one of the reasons I stopped weight watchers. Fruits and Veggies are free foods and you can eat as much as you'd like without taking away any of your points.  But guess what?  Eating to much of a good thing can be bad.  Fruit has a lot of sugar in it and too much of it can make you gain weight.  

21 day fix fixes that for us.   We are given colored containers and each container represents a food group and depending on your weight/height etc determines how many of each you get throughout the day and combined with Shakeology (which taste amazing by the way!) results happen.   The beginning was the hardest for me because I only got two yellow (Carbs) containers a day.  But over time I've realized sometimes I don't even need those containers as I have taught myself to make different choices.  I am eating things today that I wouldn't have thought twice about before starting the 21 Day Fix. 

So we are at goal weight.  Now what?  You get into the mindset that I don't need to exercise as much or you can add back in those things you know you shouldn't eat because these foods got you to where you were before.  And then before you know it you've gone weeks without exercising and you've gained some weight back.  

This is the cycle I am currently on except this time the weight simply isn't coming off like it used to. Which only makes me frustrated.  It makes me want to quit and give up. I think "whats the point".   But as a Beachbody Coach what does that show my clients?  So I pick myself up and continue where I left off without skipping a beat.    Learning everyday what I need to do to get the job done.

• No more throwing in the towel
• Keep pushing regardless of whether or not the scale moves
• Focus on the process not the progress
• Stop being lax
• Never, ever give up
• Be an inspiration
• Glorify God with the way I take care of myself and the way I help others

This journey isn't easy.  Its hard.  It takes work.  It takes determination and it takes motivation from within yourself to continue.  This journey is 90% mental and 10% physical!  

Its like what my Pastor reminds us from the pulpit almost on a weekly basis.  We have to renew are mind and we have to do it every.single.day.  If we don't we will continue along the same old path making the same crappy choices.  Choices that make us feel terrible about ourselves.  Jesus went 40 days and 40 nights without anything and we cry about giving up sweets every day and limiting it to one serving maybe once or twice a week.   

Its not going to be easy but in the end it will be worth it.  

What change are you willing to make today that will get you to where you want to be tomorrow?

If Jesus can do it, so can you!

~ Kristina

Fresh Start?

It has been almost two years since I have done anything with this blog. I just spent some time reverting all my old posts to drafts so that this looks brand new. In looking back I have realized I am not must closer to any goals than I once was. And that is my own fault.  

The only new thing is that I have become a Independent Beachbody Coach. My desire is to help others who struggle as much as I do. I want others to see that they are not the only ones who struggle day in and day out to stay on track. Sometimes I feel that I am off track more than I am on. But this is life and Beachbody Coach or not I do struggle. Its easy for me to push someone else. Its easy for me to inspire others. But why is it so hard to do these things for myself? I often wonder this. And I come to the conclusion that I don't think I'm worth it. I often will feel like if I take time out to concentrate on me and my goals than I am being selfish as I have a family to care for.  These are the lies the enemy fill my mind with day in and day out.  He doesn't want to see me succeed.  He wants to keep me down and God far from my reach.

I love helping and serving others. Its how God designed me. But I also know he designed me to see myself how he sees me. If I am worth it to God than I need to be worth it to myself.

His word says I am a new creation in Christ (2 Cor. 5:17). Everyday I need to rise and praise him for he has given me a new day to start fresh. A new day to turn from old ways and start new.

I am a victor (Romans 8:37). We are victorious. You, me and the person next to you. We are not made to be slaves to our strongholds! We are not made to be imprisoned by the things that keep knocking us down. If we walk with our heads held high and walk with the attitude that We CAN do ALL things thru Christ (Phil. 4:13) we will make it to the top.

I don't want other people, especially women, walking around for the rest of their days wondering if they are worth it.  You ARE worth it.  Our time to change is now.  Don't let tomorrow pass without making one small change.  That's all it takes.  Keep getting up and dusting off.  Keep pushing.  Keep working.  Never stop.  

I need to get back into having a goal.  I haven't had one since my half marathon and hip surgery in 2014.  Do I want to lose weight?  Yes, but it has to be more than just losing weight.  I was my happiest and felt my best when I was running.  I miss it.  I miss that time I spent with the Lord. Because that's exactly what I did.  I was able to communicate with him my way without any distractions. I'm going to have to double my workouts a few days a week since I'm only half way through Focus T25, but it has to be done.     So that's my plan.  Continue Focus T25 while getting in 2-3 short runs a week.  I say short because I'm not in running shape.  

What goals do you have for yourself and whats stopping you from reaching them?

~Kristina